A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I could not help notice how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long and happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise.”
“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?”
“Twenty-six.”
One week after moving into his first apartment, Ed called his mother to complain about his neighbours: “One woman cries all day, another lies in bed moaning, and then there’s the guy who keeps banging his head against the wall.”
“You better keep away from them,” she said.
“I am. I stay inside all day playing my drums.”
- Alan Owens
Jack arrived back at the farm from his first visit to the city and proudly showed his family the large diamond engagement ring he had bought for his girlfriend.
“Is it a real diamond?” they gasped in disbelief.
“It had better be,” Jack declared. “Otherwise I’ve been cheated of ten bucks!”
- Ron Cousins
Two city slickers were driving through the country when they came upon a ramshackle farm with an old man out front. Thinking to have some fun at the old man’s expense, the driver stopped the car and yelled, “Hey mister, can you change an eighteen rupee note?”
The farmer nodded. “Sure, but I’ll have to go in and get my money.”
The passenger in the car asked, “What are you going to do?”
“I’ll give him a ten,” snickered the driver. “I’ll just change the zero to look like an eight. He’ll never know the difference.”
The farmer returned with a battered, old wallet. Taking the note offered to him without a second glance, he put it in his pocket. “How do you want the change?” he asked. “Two nines or three sixes?”
Barry calls his boss and says, “I’m having trouble with my eyes.”
“What’s wrong with them?” the boss asks.
“I can’t see myself coming to work today,” says Barry.
- Daniele Lunn
While speeding down a winding mountain road, a man has to swerve to avoid a woman who comes flying round the corner.
As she passes him, she leans out of the window and screams “Pig!”
Astonished, the man turns and shouts back, “Idiot!” Then he
turns round the bend and crashes into a pig.
The shopper was visibly angry as she tried to return a blouse to the department store. “What’s wrong with it?” asked the clerk.
“It faded,” she said. “You told me the colours were fast. And the very first time I washed it, it faded.”
“Well,” said the clerk, “I told you it was fast, didn’t I?”
- Nancy Kurtz
On a tour of an old European castle, a young Indian visitor becomes very nervous. Finally
the elderly guide, noticing how jumpy she is, tries to offer some reassurance.
“Don’t worry,” he tells her. “I’ve never seen a ghost in all the time I’ve been here.”
“And how long is that?” asks the tourist.
“About 400 years.”
- Michael Knigge
A zookeeper spotted a visitor to the tiger’s enclosure pushing a Rs100 note through the bars.
“Stop!” shouted the keeper. “Why are you doing that?”
“The sign on the side of the cage says it’s OK,” replied the visitor.
“No, it doesn’t.”
“Yes, it does. ‘Do not feed. Rs100 fine.’ ”
A hotel mini-bar allows you to see into the future and what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.
- Comedian Rich Hall
For the Birds
FUNNY What does a duck eat with its soup?
Quackers.
FUNNIER What do you call a formal dance full of chicks?
