Three men, a millionaire, a labourer and an alcoholic, order beer at a bar. They notice a fly in each mug. The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then proceeds to sip it. The labourer spills out just enough to get rid of the fly and gulps down the rest. It’s now the alcoholic’s turn. He sticks his hand into the beer, grabs the fly by the wings, and shouts, “Spit it out! Spit it out!”
"When I agreed to go to a mixed ward...
A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity. “Please, ma’am,” he says when she opens up, “can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent.” “That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life!” says the woman. “May I ask who you are?” “Their landlord.”
Busy destroying some bushes in the garden, a gnome is being watched by a house cat. “What are you?” asks the cat. “A gnome,” comes the reply. “I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, I make annoying music at night to drive them crazy, and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you?”
The cat replies, “Um, I’m a gnome.”
- Blake Kiltoff
After reading up on the finer points of ice fishing, a young woman heads onto the ice. Just as she’s about to drill her first hole, a booming voice from above bellows, “There are no fish under the ice!” The woman is startled, but she keeps drilling. Again the voice thunders, “There are no fish under the ice!” Now the woman is shaking. But she takes a deep breath, and just as she’s about to cut a new hole— “There are no fish under the ice!” The frightened woman looks skyward and asks, “Is that you, Lord?” “No, this is the manager of the skating rink!”
Why was Cupid chosen to represent Valentine’s Day? When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
- Paul McGinty
One day, while a wife is scrambling eggs, her husband bursts into the kitchen. “Careful,” he cries. “Careful! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They’re going to stick! Careful! Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!”
The wife turns and asks, “What is wrong with you?” Her husband calmly replies, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
- From planetproctor.com
Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is cleverer. “My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee.” “I know,” says the second owner. “How do you know?”
“My dog told me.”
- Sourabh Bhatia
Don’t you think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day?
- Craig Sharf
My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills that he can take, but he can’t get them out of the bottle.
- Brian Kiley
Hard to Swallow
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