A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave the man a book on assertiveness, which he read—and finished—on the way home.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”“
The funeral director,” said his wife.
- Kerry Hayford
“Is the water cold?”
My niece is no cricket enthusiast. This became evident when she accompanied her husband to a cricket match for the first time and asked the person sitting next to her, “When will the commentary start”?
- Sarita Bery, Bangalore
“Daddy, they call me Mafioso at school.” “Don’t worry, son. I’ll take care of it tomorrow.”
“OK Dad, but please make it look like an accident.”
- Tania Carpinelli
I was born with a cleft palate—a hole in the roof of my mouth. My parents realized this when my mother breastfed me and milk came out of my nose.
At first, I think they just thought I had a really great sense of humour.
- Tanyalee Davis
Four speeding tickets and your licence could be cancelled. The irate driver waved his speeding ticket in the air at the police officer who’d just given it to him. “What am I supposed to do with this?” the man yelled.
“Hang on to it,” the cop replied. “When you collect four, you get a bicycle.”
- Marilyn MacDonald
“Why doesn’t your mother like me?” a girl asks her boyfriend. “Don’t take it personally,” he assures her. “She’s never liked anyone I’ve dated. I once dated someone exactly like her, and even that didn’t work out.” “What happened?”
“My father couldn’t stand her.”
- James Richens
How come Dorothy got lost in Oz? She had three men giving her directions.
Hear the one about the magician who practised his “cutting-a-lady-in-half trick” on his family?
He had a brother and two half-sisters.
- J. Mooney
The thing you need to focus on in your 20s is not getting a bad tattoo. You don’t want to be 40 and going, “No, dude, it was different back then—everyone loved SpongeBob.”
- Tom Papa
I don’t know how to speed-read. Instead, I listen to Books on Tape on fast-forward.
- Craig Sharf
What did the turtle lying on its back say? "No, I didn’t turn turtle. I’ve always been one!"
- N. Netto, Thattathimukku, Kerala
My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party. That’s when I realized he was her favourite twin.
- Terry Sangster
A little boy went to the library to check out a book titled Comprehensive Guide for Mothers. “Is this for your mother?” the librarian asked. “No,” said the boy. “So why are you checking it out?”
“Because I started collecting moths last week.”
- L.B. Weinstein
The linguist’s husband caught his wife in the arms of another man. “Susan,” he said, “I’m surprised!” “No, I’m surprised,” she corrected him. “You’re astonished.”
- Zhang Wenyi
Children are smarter than any of us. I don’t know any child with a full-time job and children.
- Bill Hicks
I was mugged twice last year. The odds of getting mugged once are 1 in 50. The odds of getting mugged twice are 1 in 2500. The odds that I got mugged twice last year because I look like the kind of guy that would calculate those odds? 1 in 1.
